Sunshine and Gunpowder

Condoms prevent minivans.

I usually have no problem talking to guys and what not, but I keep freezing when I go to ask this kid to go see a movie! Just a movie. Mostly because I seem about as interesting to him as bark off a tree. And I’m really just afraid of rejection. Which is a shame, because I’m pretty and I do what I want.

How I spend most of my time at home.

Well, that and….

Oh, hey, I talked to Sal. That’s pretty cool too.

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That was the hardest part about hanging up the phone.

Be miserable with him, or be miserable without him.

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So, whenever I go to Sal’s profile in Facebook, I just go to mine and click his link under my “in a relationship with…” I go to do that, and just stare at a blank screen. Then I re-realize what happened. I think this is for the best.

I gained friends, lost friends, and learned I’m unhappy.

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Git ‘er done.

And he meant it.

I have never been so happy in my life. I love hicks.

nooemy-y:

Expectations: This shit should be easy, I studied all night.

Reality: What the fuck, I’ve never seen this shit in my entire life.

 seriously

With my parents.

And little brothers.

And they lost my iPod car charger.

The only thing that makes this situation O.K. is that my tits look great in the dress I’m wearing.

AND IS IT DONE? NO. OF COURSE NOT.

Bibliography. And it took me like, two hours.

Shoot me, please.

 The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats,  and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”.  Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even  ”A Bit Cross”. The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized  from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance”. The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish  Armada.

The Scots and Irish have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards”. They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are  ”Collaborate” and “Surrender”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to ”Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides”. The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose”. Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels . The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Canada doesn’t have any alert levels. New Zealand has raised its security levels - from “baaa” to “BAAAA”.. Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is “I hope Australia will come and rescue us” Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to ”She’ll be right, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!”, ”I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is canceled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.